little monster

When I was a kid, little, like before I was even in school. I spilled a glass of milk at the dinner table. My mom, who was a total spaz, jumped up and screamed. A high pitched cartoony eek a mouse type of scream. She scurried about to clean up the mess. My dad was there and he was laughing. I was really little, so of course I laughed too. I think we even clapped. I remember I really thought it was a skit she was doing. I also remember this was the night of the biggest fight ever.
My mom screamed “A monster! That kid of yours is a little monster!” over and over.
My dad moved out not long after that and it was just me and mom. My new nickname stuck. My mother would call me a little monster every chance she got. Track dirt on the carpet, little monster. Refuse to eat brussel sprouts, little monster. Skin my knee on the playground at school, little monster.
It was in first grade that the nickname caught on at school. It was getting close to summer vacation. I pretended to be sick during lunch and asked if I could skip recess. I pretended to sleep, waiting until the teacher left me alone in the classroom. I went over to the class gerbil cage and grabbed the big gerbil. Walked to the window and gently placed him on the ledge. The lady gerbil struggled and bit my hand but I caught her. Only I sort of flung her out the window. The kids outside saw me and I had to go to the principles office.
“I don’t know what to tell you. She is a monster. A little monster” I could hear my mom telling the principle and my teacher thru open the frosted glass office door. After that I was called little monster not just by that teacher but all my teachers and all the kids until junior high. Generally it was in a friendly way, most adults liked me.
Then junior high came and all the things that suck about that. I got my period and my mom called me little monster and seemed pissed off at me. She walked around the house for days looking in mirrors, moaning and groaning about how she must be old now. At the time I was mostly annoyed. I was pretty much over all of her antics and didn’t give a crap what she was complaining about. She even called my dad to further humiliate me.
“Our little monster is a woman” she said.
Jesus Christ! What kind of a creep does that? My mom, that’s who.
Soon I was in high school and every new makeup experiment, every short skirt, every time I was five seconds late, little monster, little monster. She really ramped it up at some point. Screaming at the top of her lungs about my virtue. It really sucked for me. I was given the earliest curfew of all my friends and never allowed to sleep over at anyones house. I tried to sign up for as many activities as I could. Diving, cheerleading, gymnastics, drama club, yearbook committee. The busier I was the less time I had to be with her. As long as it was part of school she didn’t mind what I did. I wasn’t allowed to date but I had boyfriends on the sly. I was a smart and sneeky kid.
Then came homecoming of my senior year. I was a cheerleader and I had been dating one of the football players. We were supposed to go in a group. I set it up to look like it was just me and two of my girl friends. We went to my friend Barb’s house so I could do my hair and makeup and put on heels. Seriously she wont even let me wear heels. We met our dates at Pillio and they sat us right next to the window. Everything was going great until we got to the dance. My mom was there. She was just standing there in the entrance. Not an official chaperone or ticket taker, not even dressed up. The guys went inside but Barb and Beth stayed at the door with me while my mother screamed at the top of her lungs about what a horrible child she had. What a big monster I had become.
Barb and Beth stayed and stood behind me. Then Beth started laughing. She started screaming at Beth too. So Beth explained why she was laughing. That I was such a good kid. Which made my mother scream more and pretty soon half the school was standing around listening to my mom screeching little monster, little monster. I was embarrassed but also a little relieved. At least now people would know I wasn’t lying all those times I said I couldn’t do stuff cause my mom was a nut case.
Finally the gym teacher Ms. Kiffany came forward and told her to leave in a calm and controlled voice. Then she turned to me and said I would sleep over at one of my friends’ house tonight. Real matter of fact. Ms. Kiffany is a real tough chick. Like she says something real quiet and it scares the crap out of you. There is no arguing with her, so my mom left.
I slept over at Barb’s and so did Beth. It was fun but I expected a sleep over to be a bigger deal. Maybe they held back a little since we were all kinda in shock from the drama earlier. No one even mentioned it. I’m sure they knew I was going to have to answer a million awful questions at school.
Monday morning the guy I was dating broke up with me. He was even cool enough to admit it was completely because of the scene my mom made. I didn’t blame him for being freaked out by that. Barb and Beth both stayed my friend but everyone else at school was pretty weird toward me. Every time I went to a party someone made asked if my mom was coming. It was supposed to be a funny joke. People always think they are funny when really they are just lame.
My mom tried to apologize but it was one of those backhanded kind. She claimed if I hadn’t lied to her about going to the dance with boys none of this would have happened. Oh and of course she threw in a whole lot of monster references. Jesus she was a broken record. The rest of my senior year she was basically at level 10 with the crazy. It got so annoying I told her I wanted to live with my dad who had moved to Wisconsin. We finally worked out that after the school year I would move in with him for the summer. And I would live in the dorms during my freshman year.
She didn’t even call me all summer or in the fall. About a week before Christmas break she called and asked me to come stay with her a few days during the holidays. It was a pleasant visit. She was really on her best behavior. I thought maybe her time alone had mellowed her out. One of the days I went up to the mall to meet my old high school friends. As a joke I bought this goofy monster mask. When I got home I put on before I went in the door.
“Oh mom! Your little monster’s home!!!” I sang out.
She was in the kitchen and she saw me and looked startled. She sort of flinched and dropped a pot with boiling water. Then she stepped forward into the spill and slipped. Somehow she wasn’t just falling forward she was kind of scrambling with both her arms and her legs. Reaching with her arms she knocked a cutting board of the counter and bunch of cut up carrots and a big knife came down the big knife cut her neck. Blood was gushing out of the cut and she kept scrambling around. I threw off the mask and tried to put a towel on the cut. She wouldn’t let me. Finally I got her to hold a towel on it. It was a lot of blood. I called 911 and the ambulance came and took her. I waited in the emergency room. I started to get nervous after awhile. I just sat there alone for hours it was weird no one else came in. Finally a cop showed up and talked to the receptionist then a doctor came out and they were whispering at the desk and looking over at me. They walked over to me together.
The doctor spoke first, “I’m sorry miss. Your mother is dead.”
Then the cop, “I’m gonna have to bring you to station to answer a few questions and file an official report on the incident.”
I went to station and I had to convince them I didn’t attack her. Funny thing is I’m still not sure they completely believed me but one of the investigating officers was Barb’s dad. He knew me pretty well and he knew I was a good kid. So they filed it as an accident.
I felt really guilty and depressed. Thing is she was so much more normal those last few days. I really liked her when she wasn’t being crazy.
Today is my 30th birthday. I’ll be celebrating it in my apartment. I have been alone most of my adult life, on a count of no one liking being woken up at night by my mom.
After the funeral I took the second semester of my freshman year off. My dad help me clear out and sell the house. Then I lived with him in Wisconsin. It was nice to be away from everything. The next fall I went back to school and lived in the dorm. At first it was just lights going on and off at strange times. But soon it was a full blown haunting. She loves to knock stuff off shelves and desks. Of course every roommate I had moved out. The RA finally suggested that I move. I’ve tried to hire experts of all kinds. Exorcists and ghost hunters. Nothing gets rid of her. She really gets fired up when I have a date over. I still do it though. I guess just to stand my ground. I had a serious boyfriend for about a year when I was 24. I’m pretty sure he got tired of my mom’s ghost always hanging around and breaking his stuff. Also, if I spend a lot of time somewhere like at the same guys apartment she finds me.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad about the accident and the prom and the gerbils and milk spilling well the laughing. Ok fine, I don’t exactly feel bad. I feel bad that my mom should be in heaven or at rest, at peace, instead of knocking over stuff and flickering lights. But mainly I am pissed. Pissed that I can’t have a fucking boyfriend. Pissed that I got stuck with this ghost mom. She’s the little monster.